I find mental exhaustion very comforting. For similar reasons to why I work out like a fiend; reaching my breaking point proves to myself that I’m doing all I can. In addition to the satisfaction of being “all I can be”, it’s a real trip; basic comprehension becomes a challenge, where I struggle to remember the simplest of words. Text on the keyboard runs into, and even tilts sideways… If only my eyes didn’t burn so much.
I find that I code better when I’m in that final stretch; not only do I spot errors quicker, but sometimes new solutions crop up; which is odd considering that I’m practically half asleep…
What I like even more about mental exhaustion, is the self-contemplative state it leaves me in. I find myself engaging in a dialog with myself during these late and early hours. As I close that final tag, only to open a new one, I assess what objectives I have accomplished over the past month; and what challenges lay ahead.
I’m always striving to reinvent myself. Even with my current time constraints; struggling to prepare for the SATs, meet deadlines at work and such, I wonder what has become of all the unfinished projects I started. I also wonder if I would ever get the chance to pick up where I left off. Then I begin to worry about skills I had gained once upon a time, but failed to maintain… have I forgotten all that I had learned? Or is it like riding a bike…?
The best thing about mental exhaustion is how easy it is for the mind to wander. I get so scatter-brained during this hour, and it is so guilt-free; I feel like I’m 8 years old again. Proof: the reason I’m up this late is to finish some work, and yet I find myself stopping to blag.
I often think back at my childhood during these hours; I reminisce about the lazy afternoons I would spend day dreaming in my bedroom about mecha, making little sketches of giant robots in my scrap-book. I think back to the time I spent pretending to be a Shaolin Monk, feverishly recreating choreography from Run Run Shaw movies when I thought nobody was looking (my parents recently confessed to peeking in on me during those moments)…
Life was so guilt-free back then… but in my mind, I was doing serious work; my mind would wrack itself trying to figure where my robot’s sword would fit… and I would collapse from exhaustion after trying that flying crane move for the 100th time. As seriously as I took it, it was all in pure fun.
Well, I have one final word document I have to convert into XHTML. It’s not much of a challenge; quite boring actually, considering all I’m doing is typing in the proper tags in their appropriate places. I’ve realized something about working on this project; as quick as the challenge appears, it disappears, and all I am left with is routine and the longing of that challenge that allowed me to learn something new. When it’s hard, I want it to be easy… and when it’s easy, I want it to be hard again…
…But I also want to have that innocent carefree fun with my work; I want mecha and Run Run Shaw back in my life again…
